i am worthy of love.

My inner voice sucks. I am constantly fighting voices that say I am not good enough, or I am going to be hard to love. When I meet someone new, the first thoughts are, are they even going to be attracted to me? The next thoughts are worse, they say when they find out xyz about me are they going to want to still get to know me. The next set of thoughts is am I going to have to present an inauthentic version of me that pretends not to have insecurities, pretends not to need reassurance etc so that I can not come across too needy?

Society doesn’t help either. I don’t know if this is the same for men, but women are constantly bombarded with standards and things we need to be in order to find a man. We’re taught if we’re single there is something wrong with us. So much value is placed on our appearance. It doesn’t help that a lot of this is controlled by things we cannot change. We’re constantly told what we need to do to “keep a man” and that we’re the problem. It is truly exhausting.

When I read the book Attached by Amir Levine. I realised that it was not my responsibility to make myself more palatable for love. I am worthy of love just the way I am. I am trying to get to a place where I am less afraid of finding someone to love me the way I am, but to be more afraid of being with someone who does not allow me to be authentically myself.

I have spent so much time thinking about how imperfect I am, I forget that the other person is going to come with some baggage too. So instead of focusing on my shortcomings (which the other person may or may not see) I am focusing on making sure that I make the future person I am with feel they can show up 100% themselves even on their worst day and they will be loved through that.

It also means that it starts with myself. Making sure I show love and kindness to myself even on my worst days. Right now I am in a season of trying to lose weight, and I know I have not been kind to myself. So to change that I will weigh myself less, be kind when I look in the mirror and push myself when I can during workouts or eating healthy.

I think the best chance we have at finding a love that is long lasting is how authentically we show up and being okay that not all of it is pretty. As well as loving the way we would want to be loved back. If this is not reciprocated, then it is about loving yourself enough to move on.